Monday, September 26, 2011
The Most Insincere Form of Flattery
There is no less sincere form of flattery than James Suckling's critical review. He's the Will Rogers of wine. He is making a mockery of this whole thing, and he knows it. You want to get a lot of recognition? Give a lot of high scores that can be used on shelf-talkers at retail. He is a total fraud.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Desert Island Wines
I'm leaving for Martha's Vineyard tomorrow night on the redeye. My wife and I decided to bring some wine in my FAA-authorized case. I would actually prefer to go on a wine holiday, a holiday from wine, but it's not practical to do so. The selection is weak, the prices are terrible and there's no (or low) corkage at most restaurants. So I've got six spots. Five, if you give one to a liter bottle of Kettle One for Mrs. What are the five Desert Island wines, keeping in mind that it is an island...in July? And Mrs. doesn't like CA Chardonnays. So out goes Marcassin, Aubert (that could make it through, but I only have the new 09s), J. Rochioli, etc. As of this writing, and you know how packing goes, I've got a Fevre Chablis (Les Clos 04), Leflaive Puligny Montrachet (Pucelles 05), Boillot Chassagne Montrachet (I forget which), and a Volnay. No American wines for my All-American holiday? But how would I like a Les Pavots on a 70+-degree night in July...with a lobster roll? Developing.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Why Not Judge Books By Their Covers?
http://newyork.grubstreet.com/2011/06/sloshed_maybe_we_should_be_jud.html
Sloshed: Maybe We Should Be Judging Wines by Their Labels
Like plenty of normal people, I buy wine mostly based on the label. Sure, price is important — and those little cards with the scores help, too — but, frankly, if I do not like the label, I will not buy the wine, simple as that. You know that wine with the three moose wearing sunglasses? It’s called 3 Blind Moose? Yeah: I hate that label. I will never buy that wine. This is actually reasonable, I think. Unless you have an extensive knowledge of regions and grapes, the wine you choose is simply not going to matter all that much. What’s the worst that can happen? Unless it literally tastes like those sweat socks that wine people insist on using as a flavor comparison, you still end up with a bottle of wine you can drink. And last time I checked, a bottle of wine will get you nicely buzzed with your friends over the course of an evening no matter what you choose. So why not choose based on the label?
And so, a proposal: If labels are so important to our wine-buying choices — and I am saying they are — then we should understand labels just as we understand the other non-label parts of the wine (e.g., the grapes and the regions and stuff).
But while you can go on the Internet and find very detailed wheel-based charts for wine aromas and tastes, there is woefully little label categorization.
But while you can go on the Internet and find very detailed wheel-based charts for wine aromas and tastes, there is woefully little label categorization.
Not to worry: I have gone into the field and done some research. I wanted to know whether I could identify the types of labels I liked and which turned me off. I think I have identified seven major wine-label groupings along with several subclasses. I also tasted a bunch of wines according to their labels and have made wildly ill-advised extrapolations about what the label means for your drinking experience. And so, here is the wine label kingdom.
The only authoritative chart on wine labels that you're likely to see today.Illustration: Jen Cotton
The FrenchThe grand-cestor of all wine labels; the French is very word-heavy and relies on classic fonts most of the time. Owing to French wine laws, this label must contain specific data on where this wine was made, where the grapes were grown, and who made it. This standardization means that most French wine labels look the same and are all equally intimidating.
What to Expect: The words Appellation Bordeaux Contrlôlée Mis En Bouteille a La Propriété should tell you everything you need to know. It's the fancy stuff, and it will taste sort of like dirt, but in a good way.
French Subclass: Diluted FrenchTake the French label and remove a lot of the words. Voilà! These give the feeling of a French label — tradition, upper class — but without all the confusing detail. You usually get the grape name, the region, and they usually try to shoehorn the word “chateau” in there somewhere. Also, there is often a pen and ink drawing of a house that we are meant to believe is the aforementioned chateau.
What to Expect: The winemaker often isn't actually French, but is instead an American making wine in the French style. That means it will taste sort of like dirt andfruit. You know how people say, “I don’t know, tastes like red wine to me”? This is what they are talking about.
Animals Doing ThingsA close cousin of Diluted French, these labels often contain exactly the same information as the D.F., but instead of featuring a chateau, they are named for an animal, which is often doing something. That “something” is usually leaping.
What to Expect: The Animal label began as a solidly American genre, but those Australians sure have taken to it, though with way more marsupials. They're often from big producers, but these wines tend to stick their landings. (Yes, that is a gymnastics reference.)
The Graphic Design StudentThis class description is not meant as derogatory; rather, they are simply very design-y. I find a lot of these labels to be focused on their attitude, a sort of “we don’t have to adhere to your chateau and scripted-font tradition.”
What to Expect: Wine from a small-ish non-European producer (or a small-ish subsidiary of a large producer), the wines themselves can vary a lot, depending on the subclass of the label design.
Graphic Design Subclass: LetterpressHave you seen those greeting cards where there is some nice serif font that says something like “Thank You” and then there is an equally nice image of a dandelion on it? And also a lot of white space, and it sort of looks like a wedding invitation? That’s what these wine bottles look like.
What to Expect: Smooth wines usually, not super-tannic (i.e, cotton-mouthy), not super-fruity or earthy. Defined more by what they are not. Which is not a bad thing, I don't think.
Graphic Design Subclass: Poster ArtThese labels want you to recognize that they are not like those other labels. Instead, they look like a poster from some other era of graphic design — usually a cowboy or hippie poster for some reason.
What to Expect: Interestingly, while the design itself tends to hit you over the head ("Get it?! It looks like a wanted poster from the old west!"), you can expect wines with a bit more reserve and class. I should say: The labels are well designed usually. Perhaps the wines follow suit.
Graphic Design Subclass: Pottery Barn CatalogueTotally innocuous with respect to design, these labels looks like those leather-bound books you see in catalogues. That is their whole purpose: looking good next to a bowl of Granny Smith apples on a butcher block counter.
What to Expect: American wine that tastes like the vanilla-scented candle they always put in those catalogue rooms.
Graphic Design Subclass: Indie DesignerThese can also vary wildly in style, but again: You will know it when you see it, especially if you are someone who reads Print magazine. Some of my favorite tricks in this genre: huge black text on white; a black and white photograph of people in the Dust Bowl or the Gulag; custom R. Crumb–style illustrations.
What to Expect: Syrah. Or a blend with Syrah in it.
Nostalgic Small-Town Vacation
“Do you like vacations? What about sand dollars and/or the beach? Yeah, we like those things too.” That’s me doing an imitation of the Nostalgic Vacation label. These wine labels are sort of ingenious in that they skip over the wine entirely — “Who cares what grape it is! There’s a flip-flop on the label!” — and go straight to the lifestyle you imagine yourself having while you drink it. Shells, sand dollars, anything beach related, really — but there’s a subgenre here: labels with nostalgic Coca-Cola style drawings of red trucks, front porches, or anything a person might associate with small-town America.
What to Expect: I have had enough hangovers to know with full certainty that these are cheap wines that taste like hangovers. Often very sweet, they aim for smoothness über alles, but this gives them basically no structure.
“Do you like vacations? What about sand dollars and/or the beach? Yeah, we like those things too.” That’s me doing an imitation of the Nostalgic Vacation label. These wine labels are sort of ingenious in that they skip over the wine entirely — “Who cares what grape it is! There’s a flip-flop on the label!” — and go straight to the lifestyle you imagine yourself having while you drink it. Shells, sand dollars, anything beach related, really — but there’s a subgenre here: labels with nostalgic Coca-Cola style drawings of red trucks, front porches, or anything a person might associate with small-town America.What to Expect: I have had enough hangovers to know with full certainty that these are cheap wines that taste like hangovers. Often very sweet, they aim for smoothness über alles, but this gives them basically no structure.
CleverClever labels attempt to make you smile as you walk by. The hope is that you might appreciate a little joke, a little fun, after looking at all those chateau drawings. I identified a couple of mini-classes of the clever label.
Gimmicky: “I sure do love my local professional sports team. So much so that I cannot pass up this wine with Boston Red Sox starting pitcher Josh Beckett.”
What to Expect: Young, young wine that's bought in bulk by somebody like Charles Shaw and then sold for cheap. These are often one-liners. And while that one line might be Steven Wright quality, most are Rodney Dangerfield level.
What to Expect: Young, young wine that's bought in bulk by somebody like Charles Shaw and then sold for cheap. These are often one-liners. And while that one line might be Steven Wright quality, most are Rodney Dangerfield level.
Ironic: “Ha! I’m looking for a cheap red wine and look: That one is called Cheap Red Wine. Perfect.”
What to Expect: See above. In fact, all of the wines in these categories might be from one huge batch. Wouldn't that be ironic?
What to Expect: See above. In fact, all of the wines in these categories might be from one huge batch. Wouldn't that be ironic?
Fun: “Honey, look — you know how I love moose, right? Well, look at these crazy moose! They are wearing sunglasses!”What to Expect: Ah, forget it. All this wine is the same. Have you had Yellow Tail or Carlo Rossi? That's what this stuff is like. Thin fruit, sometimes jammy, but never more than one note.
Word Play: “Pinot Evil? Ah … cute. Look at those monkeys!”
What to Expect: Would it blow your mind if I told you that these wines were incredible? Well … they aren't. They're the same crap as all the stuff above.
What to Expect: Would it blow your mind if I told you that these wines were incredible? Well … they aren't. They're the same crap as all the stuff above.
Painting Whereas most labels will have some sort of image that supports the words on the label, the Painting labels just throw a painting of whatever on there. And it’s very specifically a painting — lots of colors and obvious brushstrokes. You will not confuse this with a pen drawing of a chateau or a leaping animal. No, it’s like they licensed some of the lesser impressionists and are just going through them.
What to Expect: For some reason, you see a lot of these types of labels on Italian wine. But note that Italian wines generally have to follow similar rules that the French do, label-wise — a lot of words telling you things you don't understand — so anytime they're throwing a painting on there, I'm always a little suspicious. In other words, if you buy one of these, you'd better know what you're doing.
Euro-Trash A-holeA rare sighting, the A-Hole label is usually more than a label. Often, the whole bottle is some unique shape. Look! I’m a wine bottle in the shape of a shampoo bottle! Deal with it! Whatever.
What to Expect: I wouldn't know, for I do not condone this sort of behavior. And neither should you.
Obviously, I have not tasted every single wine in the world that has a label. I have simply tasted most of them, and I actually do find a relationship between label and wine. If I like the graphic design, I tend to like the wine. I chalk this up to two things:
1. We are a suggestive people. If I like how you look, I will tend to like you, or at least, I am inclined to like you. (But if I don't like how you look, watch out.)
2. I make the assumption that the crew who makes the wine also chooses the label, at least at some level, right? So, when a label appeals to me, I think: "Well, I like their font choices. I probably like their wine choices, too."
But maybe you disagree? Have you ever loved a label and hated the wine? Or vice versa? This is what the comments are for, people.
Matthew Latkiewicz works for the Internet; he writes and podcasts about drinking and other subjects at You Will Not Believe. His work has appeared in McSweeney's, Wired, Time.com, Boing Boing, and Gastronomica. Tragically, his wifelike girlfriend is allergic to wine.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I Knew I Hated That Guy
Bernie Madoff's wine and liquor collection was sold off at auction by Morrell & Co. last week. "All we know about the provenance is that it was seized by the FBI and U.S. Marshals' Service from two locations. More than that, we do not know." Not the best provenance, but Morrell seems to be peddling the collection more as conversation pieces than as quality consumables, and has even included some wines that normally “wouldn’t pass muster and make it into our auction." The 58 lots were valued at a low estimate of $15,000, with the proceeds going to the United States Department of Justice Asset Forfeiture Fund to help pay damages to the victims of Madoff’s multibillion dollar Ponzi scheme. That'll help.
I know a guy who was pretty nearly destroyed by Madoff. Life savings wiped out. So I may already be a little biased in this matter, but what I really, really hate about the guy is that with all that money he stole, he had crap wine and stored it indifferently. I mean, if you're going to rip off all your closest friends, some Jewish charities, some hedge funds, whatever, that's your business. But have some decency. Get a little wine refrigerator for the house in Palm Beach, for god's sake.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Epic
I don't know what to say. Mark Beavan's 50th birthday party at Il Grano restaurant. I got the last seat.
A few of these were not good bottles, or were simply over the hill, but the line up is as stellar as any I've been party to.
We actually passed on the last five, but washed it all down with a magnum of 1985 Cristal.
| 1961 Bollinger RD Jeroboam | ||
| 1961 Moet Imperial RD mag | ||
| 1961 Taitinger CDC | ||
| 1959 Dom Perignon | ||
| 1911 Moet | ||
| MV Krug Private Cuvee | ||
| 1959 Bouchard Montrachet | ||
| 1966 Bouchard Montrachet | ||
| 1973 DRC Montrachet | ||
| 1983 Ramonet Montrachet | ||
| 1985 Ramonet Montrachet | ||
| 1928 Chevillot Les Gaudichots | ||
| 1943 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1955 Leroy Chambertin - | ||
| 1962 Vogue Bonnes Mares | ||
| 1971 DRC RC Magnum | ||
| 1971 DRC La Tache Magnum | ||
| 1978 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1985 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1991 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1995 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1999 DRC La Tache | ||
| 1947 Pol Roger (Charles & Diana wedding uvee) | ||
| 1971 Salon | ||
| 1961 Monfortino | ||
| 1961 Vega Sicilia | ||
| 1961 Palmer | ||
| 1961 Mouton | ||
| 1961 Latour | ||
| 1961 La Mission Haut Brion | ||
| 1961 Haut Brion | ||
| 1961 L'Evangile | ||
| 1961 Latour a Pomerol | ||
| 1947 La Tour Blanche Passed on: 1978 Chave Hermitage 1978 Guigal La Landonne 1945 Gruaud Larose Magnum 1947 Calon Segur Magnum 1990 Margaux (which means we ONLY had 3-of-5 First Growths) | ||
Monday, April 25, 2011
Mommy's Little Helper
Reuters and the venerable New York Times reports:
It's come down to this in the battle to win over beleaguered, stressed-out moms: Rival vintners are fighting over the use of the word "mommy" on their wine labels.
In a lawsuit filed last week in federal court...the California based winery Clos LaChance Wines has asked the court to declare that it's MommyJuice does not violate the trademark of Mommy's Time Out, a wine marketed by a New Jersey distributor.
To win, a brand owner must show that it is likely that a rival's mark will creat confusion in the minds of consumers.
The Label for Mommy's Time Out features a chair turned toward a corner, as in a time-out, with a wine bottle and glass on a table. The MommyJuice shows a woman juggling a computer, kitchenware, a teddy bear and a house.
One on (sic) point the rivals seem to agree: "We all know being a mommy is a difficult job," says Mommy's Time Out on its website. MommyJuice, for its part, argues that "moms everywhere deserve a break" and urges them to "tuck your kids into bed, sit down and have a glass...because you deserve it!"
All of this shit retails for around $7.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Murder in the Vines
From Vanity Fair re: poisoning of DRC vines
http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2011/05/vineyard-poisoning-201105?currentPage=all
